Jelly Monkey

Getting psyched for my big debut

We enrolled our little dude in a six session swim class.  I know he's barely six months old but I'm keeping with tradition. My parents did a baby bubbles class with me at that age so it seems appropriate. Based on the baths and showers we've given Lil Man we had a pretty good idea he'd love the water. I'd been looking forward to this for the past two months. The class requirement stated he had to be at least 6 months old so we waited for the class that started three days after his half birthday hurdle. We already had a swimsuit and the day of we walked to the store to score some swim diapers. Paul even had the day off so he was going to be to be a part of this milestone. We were more than ready for this exciting venture. My stomach, however, was not.  To spare you the details, lets just say I drank a lot of prune juice that day to hopefully eleviate my issues.  Hip Monkey and I were suffering from the same ailment but he was prepared to carry on.  I was not.  By the time the class was about to start I wasn't sure if they would have to evacuate and drain the pool after I got in (Code brown) or they would wonder if I smuggled a motorboat in my bikini bottoms. Since either scenario couldn't be risked & we couldn't find a swim diaper that would fit me, Paul stepped up to the plate. I squatted on the edge, played papparazzo and cropdusted poor unsuspecting lifeguards.


Not so good with directions but mom and dad are still proud

Finally got it right, and loving it

Re-enacting a last scene from the Titanic, "I love you Rose but this noodle isn't big enough for both of us..."
There goes Rose.

And ending my class in a shouting match with the lifeguard.  "Man your mom stinks!" "Crazy water lady... You stink!" She told me I could come back... I told her she couldn't!

Milk Pushers

I somehow someway got on a mailing list that sends me baby formula, for free.  Its not my intention to mock other parents who give their infants formula.  There are a lot of reasons and lots of necessities.  Being a new parent, I won't point fingers at how another parent raises or what they feed their child.  That's my disclaimer now here's my little ditty.

The formula and the money checks for formula started coming about a month before Little Man was born.  I dutifully put it in the pantry, you know, just in case, like a squirrel.  A very pregnant squirrel.  There are no guarantees that your milk will come in after you have a baby or that it will come in right away, you hope for the best especially if your goal is to breastfeed but kids are game changers and by game changers I mean the plays change by the minute, with no guarantees except an astronomical deficit of sleep.  You are guaranteed a sleep deficit.  So I put the first box in the pantry.  And the second box.  And the third.  I'm sitting here staring at six large containers, a stack of $4 & $5 checks and a bottle.  Yeah, they sent a free bottle too.  Enfamil and Similac are battling it out behind the pantry door.  What they don't know?  Neither will beat the boobs.

Its like the nursery version of drug pushers.  The teenage kids standing on the corner, getting your kid to "try" something for the first time by letting them taste it for free.  Yup, that's right, I just equated the free formula in the mail to crack.  (And probably described an unrealistic scene in a movie.)  I won't count the number of times I could have easily served up the formula and given it to my baby between the time he was born and now as we're closing in on his six month birthday.  From nipples so sore I thought they were falling off and a baby crying so hard I thought he was starving, yeah, I could have caved.  It would have been so easy.  I had a pantry stocked with formula boasting "complete nutrition" "triple health guard" (what does that even mean?) "closer than ever to breast milk" (?) and two containers for the sensitive tummy.  How nice.  And even though it says on the box, "...So whether you're breastfeeding, supplementing or formula feeding, there's so much inside for you." If you're breastfeeding, ladies, there is nothing inside for you, trust me, I checked.

Last week we ran out of milk, we had cheerios and no milk.  Paul was tempted.

At least now we have something to give away at Halloween.